“Yeah, based on what I’ve heard of Codes and Keys I’d say that Ben Gibbard would probably be better off working on another U.S. Code Title 39 album.”

“I’ve really been into waifish sounding girls. You know, like Gregory and the Hawk or K.B. 509 (King’s Bench 1945).”

“I was thinking about getting Total Life Forever off iTunes but I’m kind of worried about 6 VT Stats § 772.”

NOW I HAVE NONE FRIENDS

2. Infinite nachos. This includes infinite toppings.

3. World peace i guess

If you have Spotify, you can click here to access this playlist. If not, I guess you’ll have to Google/iTunes/YouTube these tracks like some kind of peasant.

Artist – Song

1. Freelance Whales – Generator ^ Second Floor
2. Freelance Whales – Broken Horse
3. Beirut – Vagabond
4. Explosions in the Sky – Be Comfortable, Creature
5. Washed Out – Soft
6. of Montreal – Will You Come and Fetch Me
7. Bon Iver – Towers
8. Fleet Foxes – He Doesn’t Know Why
9. Ludovico Einaudi – Fly
10. Radical Face – Family Portrait
11. Radical Face – Welcome Home (Reprise)
12. Sarah Jaffe – Better Than Nothing
13. Loney Dear – Loney Blues
14. Broken Social Scene – Sentimental X’s
15. Gregory and the Hawk – Leaves

This playlist is over twice as long as last year’s, when I gave the vague but illustrative instruction that autumn music should sound like the taste of truffle oil. After a year of deep soul-searching (involving sweatpants and pudding cups), I’ve come up with a few more points to help clarify this elusive categorization.

• Instruments usually found in an orchestra are usually a good sign. Violin? Yes. Cello? Heck yes. Dub-step wobble bass? GET THE FUCK OUT YOU UNCULTURED SWINE
• Female vocalists should be a little sweet, a lot breathy. Male vocalists are allowed a greater range, as long as the intensity of the instrumentation is inversely proportional to the intensity of his voice. The best option, of course, is no vocalist at all. The second best is a hodge-podge harmony between a man, a woman, a grad student studying Romantic language and literature, and a rabbi.
• Some bands or albums are clearly one-season only. Matt + Kim are always summer. Fleet Foxes will always be autumn, with the exceptions of the songs that are pretty obviously for pagan sacrifices on various equinoxes. Bright Eyes are never because cheer up, Conor. Life ain’t so bad.

Hope that helps. Seriously though, pumpkin frozen yogurt? The hell kind of toppings do you put on that? Parsley and butternut squash? Terrible.

Law school is coming home at midnight on a Thursday morning with your breath smelling of coffee and highlighter caps.

NOT SO SMUG NOW, HUH?

BITCH

I know, it’s not exactly banana bread fried in bacon fat or turkey wrapped around a chocolate-chip pumpkin muffin (which are previous culinary innovations attributable to yours truly). It’s not even slightly original. I’m aware that this is a common kid’s snack, but the juvenile intended audience is more than made up for by the deliciousness of this combination.

Imagine now the cool, tangy flavor of yogurt combined with its smooth, creamy texture. It’s fruity. It’s fun. It might even be purple. Now add to that the crisp juiciness of a fresh Fuji apple, cut into delicate half moons. There is little comparable to the clean taste of apple, the way juice bursts forth from each bite like little geysers at each tooth.

The best part is, apples contain a lot of fiber. The yogurt I eat contains probiotic bacteria, as well as antioxidants. They’re both almost obscenely good for my health.

“It’s got the fun of a kid’s snack, with the benefits of an adult’s snack!” I proclaim.

No one answers. The squirrel in my back yard straightens momentarily and glances at me for a moment before focusing on its acorn again. Black marble countertops lie mutely, apathetic.

I am in my kitchen, alone.

crunch

Mucinex: that trademark cotton-brain feeling

Are you sick and tired of having an appetite and being able to read properly? Ask your doctor about Mucinex!

do you even wish your thoughts could feel like the way whales sound? Mucinex.

Mucinex: the GHB of cold medicines

When You’re Not Feeling Frumpy Enough, There’s Mucinex.

side effects include dizziness, lightheadedness, temporary dyslexia, drowsiness, intense cravings for videos of kittens, fatigue, headache, utter apathy for all things property-related, and generally feeling shitty